Wasting Time

Things have been tough with my Mom since my Dad died. She's gotten really bitter and angry and pretty much sucks the life out of you every time you talk to her. She wasn't always that way, but 10+ years of caring for my Dad in poor health has really taken its toll. My sister and I both talk about it, and we just haven't really known where to go with it. While I was up at my sister's place for my Dad's memorial, my sister decided to talk to my mother about her spiral into bitterness. I didn't realize that they were having "the conversation" until it was over.

In that conversation, something happened that told me clearly that my sister really "gets it" and reaffirmed my love and respect for her. My mom told my sister that she envied me. She envied the fact that I didn't have a care in the world. She envied the fact that nothing bothered me. She envied the fact that I never let anything stop me from doing what I wanted. She was always worried because I didn't seem to take things like the financial crisis and other issues that could impact me seriously. Rather than save as much as possible, I took trips to Mexico to cave dive in the Cenotes of the Riviera Maya. Rather than sock it all away for "my future", I spend thousands to cover my body with ink. My sister laughed. She said, "You miss the whole point. He has plenty of concerns, and plenty of things to be worried about, but he enjoys every minute of life IN SPITE OF all of that."

I've been living with HIV for over 15 years now. I've lost partners, friends, loved ones to the disease. I've seen friends gay bashed, been bashed myself, and hated just for being who we are. But you know, overall, LIFE IS GOOD! Every day is an adventure, every breath an opportunity for something amazing. When I was in my MBA program, we were asked to develop our personal mission statement. It's done a lot in management programs. The personal mission statement is yours and yours along. It is as unique as each individual. Some are pages, some are deep and wide and some just a few words. Mine is very simple:

Life is short!

You're either living life or wasting time.

DON'T WASTE TIME!!!

That's it. Sort of personal mission Haiku (yeah I know, doesn't fit the Haiku rules, but you get the idea).

If I lose my job, I lose my health care. If I lose my job, I lose my house. My dogs are getting old, they will be gone soon. The meds make me feel like shit some days. I'm hated by a large portion of the country and even the world just because I'm who I am, even though they don't know me.....god, the list goes on and on.

SO FUCKING WHAT??!?!?!

My woes are no greater than anyone else, and in most cases, pale in comparison to those living with AIDS in Sub-Saharan Africa, those persecuted and threatened with life in prison or even the death penalty for being gay, kids in our own streets without a home, a meal, a place to stay warm and dry, kids killing themselves because they are different, and bullied for being different.

I vow every day, that I will LIVE LIFE! Not only will I live it, I'll ENJOY it!! And I do. I am blessed with a roof over my head, I'm still not dead (so that 's a plus), a job that I love. I get to spend time with friends, photograph the beauty of the world, listen to the sounds that make up our existence. When I want to go, I go. When I want to play, I play. When I want to laugh, I laugh. I've been single for over 14 years this month, and I'm as happy now as I have ever been with any man in my life. I go to the movies by myself when I want to see a movie and can't find a partner in crime. I have no problem traveling alone. I think nothing of booking a hotel for the weekend in Orlando and going to the theme parks on my own. Dining alone at a restaurant is not an issue for me. Driving to the lake or the beach and just being, is not intimidating to me.

All of this is because I REFUSE to waste time! I refuse to sit around in tears of woe because I am single. I refuse to dwell on a disease and medications that daily chip away at my body. I refuse to crawl into a hole and hide. And I WILL NOT WAIT! Now is the time to laugh, to play to have fun. It's no secret if you have read this blog at all that I am a PIG!! I AM A HUGE PIG :@) I've seen people friend me on Facebook only to tell me that my exploits are a bit much for them and then unfriend me. That's cool. I make NO apologies. I love every fuck, piss, blow job, flogging I give, sounding session, spitting, kissing, spanking, groping, cumming, you name it. It means I'm ALIVE and living every minute. I will make no apologies for that.

In the end, I think my sister's conversation with my Mom might have helped. Every time I talk to my Mom, I always tell her to LIVE HER ADVENTURE! I think she is finally getting it. I really hope so....I'm happy that I get it!!