Goodbye my dark angel...

She was just 8 weeks old when she barged into my life. Little did I know how she would change my life, or how much it would hurt when she left. I was leaving the adult bookstore on New Year's Day, 1999. I had just gotten an awesome blow job and was satisfied and ready to go eat. As I was walking out, a guy walking toward me said "looks like someone is coming home with you". I figured some guy was following me, and I was so NOT down with that. I busted my nut and I was done. I didn't want company.

I turned around and didn't see anyone. I was puzzled. The guy stopped next to me and laughed, looking down. As I looked down, this tiny little pure black puppy came tumbling down the steps to rest at my feet...well actually "on" my feet. She was dirty and I could see that she had chewed off a lot of fur, especially on her tail and legs. The guy who had first noticed her asked "what are you gonna do?" I was like "ummm what do you mean, do?" I told her to go home, to go find her momma. She just sat on my feet with her tail wagging. She wouldn't budge. The guy said "from the looks of her, she doesn't have a home or a momma."

I lived in a small one bedroom apartment that did not allow pets. It had been just over a year since I had gotten clean and sober and moved back to FL. I did not have room in my life for a dog....period. I tried again "Go home, go one...git!" Didn't work. She just looked up at me with her eyes and wagged that chewed up tail of hers. I turned to walk away to head for my truck and she was right behind me. "Like it or not," the guy said, "she's following you home." I stopped and turned and she plopped onto my feet again, panting and tail wagging. What the fuck was I gonna do??

I went back into the bookstore and asked the guy behind the counter what he knew about the puppy outside. He said it had been around for a few weeks and eating junk from around the outside of the dumpster. He never saw a mother or any other puppies. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK, I couldn't leave her there. This was going to be a problem, but I'd figure it out later. I went back outside, and she was gone. OK, off the hook. I started walking toward the truck and I heard a little yelping. I turned and there she was tumbling down the stairs after me. She was going to need to work on the stairs.

I picked her up and put her in the truck. She was shaking and hid herself under the passenger seat. I stopped at Walgreen's and got some dog food and some flea bath as well as a small collar and a leash. The plan was I'd clean her up and feed her and then take her to a local vet the next day and find her a home. Hahahahaha, I was such and idiot. Little did I know that was not HER plan :-)

When we got to my apartment, I snuck her in and gave her 3 flea baths before the water was clear of fleas. She had so many fleas, I could see them in her eyelashes and crawling on her fur. She didn't like the baths that much. When we were done, I wrapped her in a towel and laid her on the floor. She crawled out from the towel, grabbed it with her mouth and pulled it under the dining room table with her...then she slept. She slept like she had never slept before, she was so still I thought she was dead at first. I guess she had to sleep with one eye open until now and finally could relax.

I put bowls of food and water under the table and she woke to scarf both down. Then she went back to sleep. She slept under the table all night. I got up a few times during the night and took her out to walk. She did her thing a few times. In the morning, I took her to the vet down the street. They looked at her and said she was in good shape aside from the damage from the fleas which would clear up now that they were gone. He said, "she's a beautiful puppy, what are you going to do?" There was that question, what was I going to do. I told him I couldn't keep him, but wanted to get her off the street. He told me I could bring her to the pound, but they didn't have a great record for saving every puppy.

Now I was torn. How was I going to rescue her from the street and then assign that fate to her. A few weeks in the pound and if nobody adopted her, she would be put down. Damn, what the fuck was I doing??? I did something that I have learned is my best and worst habit....I said "Fuck it, we'll deal with the consequences later" That meant taking her home and dealing with the fact that I couldn't have a puppy at my apartment. So, I bought her all the stuff a good puppy should have, toys, treats, food, and a crate. I was going to crate train her.

I named her 99 as I had found her on 1/1/99, and I lived Agent 99 on Get Smart when I was a kid. The love affair had already started from the minute I found her. I was smitten and she was my master. The crate training worked, and she was house broken easily. A few months went by and there came a note on the door. Please see Mgmt, we have had complaints of a barking dog in your apartment....uh oh....shit, meet fan :-) The eviction process gave me time to find another place to live, this one with a fenced back yard that accepted dogs.

We had a happy home at our new place and a few months later, we brought Max into our life. They loved each other so much and played all the time when they were younger....years later, I would add Chief to the mix, but that is a story for another day.

Flash forward 12 years to January 2nd (just one day past 12 years since 99 barged into my life). She didn't eat in the evening. Max sometimes goes a day without eating, but never 99. The next day, I went and bought some dog food with gravy. Not the best for her, but I knew she'd eat it...she didn't. The following day I took her in to the vet. She had lost 7 pounds in 3 weeks and the vet took blood tests and urine. She also felt her glands and realized that they were swollen...all over her body. The vet assumed it was Lymphoma but wanted to wait for the result of the tests to be sure. She said that there might be a chance we could start her on prednisone, but that would be a short term solution and if it had gone too far, that would not even work.

I was devastated. It had come on so fast. The vet said that is often the case, but to wait for the tests to come back before getting too upset. The next day she called with the bad news....99's liver and kidneys were fully involved...I had to sit down. I asked if 99 were hers would she think it was time to say goodbye and she didn't hesitate. Yes, it was time.

How do you just say goodbye to a being who has been your constant companion for 12 years? In 12 years, no man had loved me. Yeah, I had friends and family, but no man had loved me as his. 99 loved me every second of every day. When my grandparents died and I cried at home alone, she licked my hand and my face and wiped away my tears. When my Dad died just over a year ago, she sat with me as I cried and put her head on my knee to pat. I had never loved a being like I had her (and Max and Chief). How was I going to say goodbye?

I left work early to spend time with her. I would take her the next morning and hold her as she made her transition to the next leg of her journey. I couldn't sleep. I was awake at 4am and laid with her on the floor. She had eaten the night before and I had some hope, but it was short lived as she vomited it all up. The night stormed...it hadn't stormed like that in a long time. It was like the universe knew what I must do and wept along with me. At 8am, I called the vet and told them I was on my way.

Typically, when I grabbed her leash, 99 would run circles around me. this time, she just opened one eye, and looked at me, then sighed and closed her eyes...it was time. I had to stand her up after I got the leash on so we could walk to the car. All the way to the vet, I told her how sorry I was and how much I loved her and thanked her for changing my life. By the time we walked into the vet, I was in tears. They brought us into a room and then the vet came in and told me that they had no solution to euthanize her....WHAT?!?!?! how could they make a bad situation worse? they just had!!!! I had to take my baby home and wait to be called to come back.

She was vomiting bile every 15-30 minutes now and it was clear it was time for her to move on. I sat with her at home and waited for the call which came 4 hours later. We went back to the vet. This time they were prepared. I sat with her as they injected her and told her to run and find Chief. He was already on the other side and would be so happy wot play with her. I asked my Dad to be with her and watch over her until I could join them....and I cried.

I cried like my soul was pouring out through my eyes. My throat was thick with the sobs and the pain was overwhelming. My baby was gone....I was lost. I held her for quite a while and whispered to her. Even after she was gone, I didn't want to let go. When I could cry no more, I lowered her limp body to the floor and said my final goodbye. I was numb.

12 years earlier she had barged into my life. She stole my heart. I was lonely at the time, only clean and sober for just over a year. I was close to using many days. I have always said she rescued me, and she really did. I called her my dark angel. I firmly believe that they universe put her in my path for a reason. I hope I did right by her. I hope that showed her the love she showed me.

It's just Max and me now. We'll go on. He is also over 12 years old. I don't know how much time he has. He's going deaf, and slowing down. I hope he can give me just a little more time. I'm not ready to be alone again....the thought terrifies me...

I went to Jacksonville to see Devin for more ink the day after 99 left me. The trip had been planned for a while. Friends told me to go, it would be good for me. They were right. When I arrived, Devin showed me a design he had done for me in the day since 99 had gone. It was a Fu Dog (a symbol of protection) with a playful slant. Most Fu Dogs look fierce, this one looked like 99, sweet and playful, and devoted to me and my protection. Devin wasn't sure if it was too soon. I welled up with tears as I thanked Devin. It was perfect and I wanted him to ink it on me over the weekend.

I had lots of time to think on the hours long drives back and forth to Jacksonville. I hate that our pets have such short lives. I guess they need less time to "get it right" than we do. All of the spells and chants I knew could not give me more time. I so wish I had more time. But I guess the finite nature of time is what makes it so precious. 12 years went by too fast, but I have 12 years of amazing memories. I will remember 99 every day. I'm sure I'm not done crying for her, but neither am I done smiling and laughing.

When my time comes, I hope I find her and Chief (and maybe Max by then) waiting for me on the other side. What a reunion that will be :-) Until then, I can only than the universe for the gift of 99.