A Different Kind of Thanksgiving

This is not the pilgrims and the indians, this is not the large family surrounding the table filled with freshly baked turkey and gravy. Today is just me and mom...and dad....sort of.

Dad is dying. There really is no way around this. He is confined to a hospital bed in the front room and is barely responding. Mom and I have adjusted his position to keep him comfortable. He opens his eyes, but can't speak. He is a frail, wilted skeleton of the man that was my father. We were never close as I was growing up. Over the years, he has mellowed and I've come to appreciate his love for me. Now, though, there is really nothing left. My dad has always had a dry sense of humor, but I could always make him laugh. Try as I may, he isn't laughing anymore, or even smiling.

His chest rattles as his lungs fill with fluid....again. Mom and I have spent the day talking about what we're gonna do....after. We've got to get a funeral home here, and then we'll need to get dad's ashes home (his real home, Cape Cod) for a scattering at sea. There will be a memorial service at some point there and probably one here in FL as well. So much to do, and he's not even dead yet.

I got up last night for a drink and was struck by the irony of a Do Not Resuscitate order signed and taped to the fridge. The whole house is full of death, and death still has yet to arrive. It's like we've prepared for Santa and now wait in our beds to hear the patter of hooves on the roof. We were talking and my mom and her friend, both nurses for 40 years or more said these types of deaths can be long and hard. It's funny, in the end, we are created to live not to die. We float smoothly through life and then when the end comes, our bodies don't let go. Our bodies know, even when we don't that this is a great gift and a blessing.

And still there are things to be thankful for. Dad isn't in pain...that's a BIG one. I've got 99 here with me and she is such a sweet dog. I've always called her my dark angel and she is again keeping me sane. Her wagging tail and instant drool at the sight of any food makes me smile. It's a beautiful day. A cold front has moved through and the clouds have parted leaving a cool crisp fall day, rare for this time of year in Florida. I've got some incredible friends and family, who I should never take for granted. I'm alive, that's always a good one.

You know, if you are reading this, then you are blessed. Not because of this blog, but because you have the technology and resources to be able to access the internet. This likely means you have food and shelter and most probably clothing (though I know a lot of you don't prefer to go without). When you feel the need to bitch about something, remember that. You have more than over 90% of the people on the planet...be grateful,

If your ex drives you nuts, if your parents piss you off, if your health isn't always what you hope, remember that you choose. You decide whether to love and live every minute or to waste them and throw them away.

Dad is dying in the other room and I just carved up a rotisserie chicken from the supermarket and opened some cans of veggies and a jar of gravy. This will be the first Thanksgiving since I was born that my Mom has not cooked a turkey dinner. At this point, neither of us cares about that. We'll sit down and give thanks for the little things and the big, and we'll have another Thanksgiving meal together. When I put the leftovers in the fridge, I'll wince a little at the DNR order, but know this. I will NOT be defeated. I will count every blessing for this big beautiful universe and I will thank the gods that in all of the world in all of time, I am here and now.

Epilogue.....

8 hours after I posted this, my father has passed. Peacefully, with my mom by his side where she has been for 44 years.

Blessings and rest Dad, you have most definitely earned it.

Twelationships and Twuck Buddies

Ahh Twitter, you've done it again. Less than one month ago, I wrote "And now a word from our reality check....I'm "in love"" Well, here we are less than 30 days later, and I'm no longer in love. Not me, so much. I was never in love. I've pretty much always been in lust. The twelationship that I wrote of lasted a whole month and ended with a series of tweets that brought back all the angst and depression we all had come to expect.

Better, I say, to have Twuck Buddies. A Twuck Buddy is someone you meet on Twitter and then get together to fuck with. I had one such Twuck Buddy come and spend the weekend with me. D arrived on Friday morning and I picked him up at the airport. We headed directly to the hotel and checked in. We weren't in our room for 10 minutes when we were naked and rolling around on the bed. He prepared, while I waited on the bed getting more horny by the minute. Finally, he was ready and we fucked hard and fast. I ate his sweet ass and sucked his beautiful (huge might I add) cock. I pressed my cock into his TIGHT hole and had some actual trouble getting in. I fuck A LOT and never have any trouble. This ass was so tight, I pressed and pressed and it took a long time. Finally, I got in and it was awesome. D was making these great sounds under me on the bed and I was sweating and pounding. Finally, I dropped a nice load in his ass. I pulled out and shoved my tongue as deep in his ass as I could to taste my cum and his ass together.

We got dressed and headed out for lunch and then back to the hotel for more fucking. It was easier to get into his ass this time and I had a great time riding him. We curled up together on the bed for a nap and then headed out for some dinner.

Saturday was the Men4Bareback play party, so we spent the day doing non sex things. Didn't want to get to the party all worn out. The party was awesome. There were some new guys there, including D, and they were all hot. I went to the back room and D was back there getting his cock sucked and then he was getting fucked and then he was fucking someone. It was awesome to watch. I got to play with a lot of really hot guys and fucked a bunch. At one point, D asked me how many time I'd filled an ass so far and it was up to 4. Toward the end of the night, D was playing with this other really hot guy, R. R had a huge uncut cock and one of the most beautiful asses I'd seen in a long time. He and D were playing with some other guys. After a while, R was fucking D. There is nothing hotter than two black guys going at it, well nothing hotter unless I get to be in the mix.

F showed up late and I was happy. I have a man crush on F. Not for anything serious, I just think he is so hot and like to play with him. He has a beautiful cock and a great smile. Soon enough, I ended up in the sling room and dropped down to my knees to work on his cock. There was a bear type guy there with a nice PA. He came over and F got him to feed me his cock. I pulled the two guys closer together and shoved both in my mouth at the same time. I worked them for a while while I pounded on my cock with my fist. It was soon too late and I blew all over my hand and the floor. I scooped it all up and licked my hand clean. F pulled me up and kissed me deep, tasting my load. I was in heaven.

D and I headed back to the hotel, but not before D exchanged info with R. He mentioned that R might want to get together on Sunday. NICE!!! When we got back to the hotel, we ate leftovers from the night before and then hit the pillows drained from the night's fun. Sunday came quickly and we headed out for some shopping and then back to the hotel to wait for R. He was coming over after he saw a movie. I was so stoked. Two big black guys with big dicks and both hot as hell wanted to play with little old Charlie Brown me. R arrived and we got down to business pretty fast. I got to suck is beautiful uncut cock for the first time and then he went at D's ass with it. While he fucked D hard and deep, I took some photos and short vid clips and ate R's ass. His ass was sooooo sweet. It wasn't long before he was busting in D's ass and I was busting all over his ass. I ate up my load and then when he pulled out of D, I slurped up his load from D's ass and shared it with D. What a perfect afternoon!!

We ordered room service and hung out for a while. After R left, D and I watched HBO and hit the sack. Actually, I hit the sack and only learned the next morning that he was tweeting about jerking off while I was sleeping trying not to wake me :-) Drove D to the airport on Monday morning and he was on his way. I had such a great time with him, and can't wait for him to return. He says he will, and I hope he means it.

So, there's the twelationship. Lasts 30 days, you don't actually ever touch the other person or spend time in the same physical location. You make sure to tweet constantly too and about each other. When it's over, you make sure to tweet constantly too and about each other. Or, there is the twuck buddy. You REALLY get together, and REALLY fuck. You have lots of laughs, you curl up in bed together, you talk in person in real time, and did I mention, you REALLY FUCK....A LOT. I don't know about everyone else, but I'll take my Twuck Buddy any day!!!

Who Wants to Live Forever

Today is a rough day. My Dad is in the hospital undergoing surgery to try and save at least one of his legs. He has had acute chronic heart disease for years along with diabetes and it is all taking its toll on him. The arteries and veins in his legs are so blocked, that multiple Dr's have said he will lose both legs above the knee within the next month without surgery to open the blocks. Here's the rub....the dye that they need to use during the surgery is very hard on the kidneys. He only has about 50% kidney function, so it is possible that the dye from the surgery will shut down what remaining kidney function he has, leaving him on dialysis for what's left of his rapidly fading life.

My mom called this morning, and said they had a really bad time getting the IV in and finally had to go in through his neck and that his chest x-ray showed a liter of fluid in one lung that they need to get out of him before they start the surgery. My poor mom is such a wreck. She is considerably younger than my dad (15 years younger) so she is in great health at 66. She is the one who has to take him from doctor to doctor, from test to test and surgery to surgery. Her life has become an endless waiting room. Sometimes she gets really angry and who could blame her. My dad has started to forget things. Important things, like the day after meeting with his surgeon for 90 minutes, he had forgotten he was going to have the surgery. He told my mother he didn't want any extraordinary measures, but when they filled out the forms, he had forgotten their conversation and did a 180. Mom just takes it all in stride and cares for him. She's a nurse, so in some ways, I think it's easier for her. In others, I think it's harder. She knows the risks, and the possible outcomes. She can't be blissfully unaware like others could.

I know it sounds horrible, but there is a part of me that wishes that my dad would go to sleep for the surgery and not wake up. He's suffered so much and it seems like this is just another way to prolong the suffering. My mom told me that getting old is not for wimps...I think she's right.

Today I woke up and Maine was lost to us...for now. I look at my mom and dad and wonder why the hell people want to get married so badly, why they want to tie their futures one to another and put up with all the shit my parents have had to. But then again, if not for my mom, who would have taken care of my dad. If not for her being constantly by his side, he's have died years ago. Personally, I don't want it. I've been down that road, and don't want to go there again...ever. But I can see the appeal. I have friends who have been together for many many years, and I wonder what things would be like for them if they were in my parents' situation. How would they be treated, who would make the decisions if the other couldn't? Things as simple as helping someone to the bathroom in their hospital room, would they be allowed?

And then I go back to who the fuck wants it. Let them have their marriage and their obligation and their ongoing stress. But, let's face it, we all do...want it. Who among us doesn't want to be able to love and be loved without reservation, without boundaries or limits? I guess what my parents are going through today is the meaty, visceral part of the picture. It's not the smiling faces on the ads for one side or the other of the argument, it's not the hug-ins and kiss-ins and weddings on the steps of city hall. In the end, it's the fact that we deserve the right to stand by the person we love as they crumble and fail. To wipe their bottoms, to clean up their messes, to shower them, to carry them and to carry out their wishes even till the end.

Last night, I don't know why, but I was thinking of this song. The words pretty much sum up the battle we face every day. Maine was just another loss. There will be more in the future, I'm sure, but in the end, we will prevail. Freddy really captures that here. There's no place for us, but there will be!!