Who Wants to Live Forever

Today is a rough day. My Dad is in the hospital undergoing surgery to try and save at least one of his legs. He has had acute chronic heart disease for years along with diabetes and it is all taking its toll on him. The arteries and veins in his legs are so blocked, that multiple Dr's have said he will lose both legs above the knee within the next month without surgery to open the blocks. Here's the rub....the dye that they need to use during the surgery is very hard on the kidneys. He only has about 50% kidney function, so it is possible that the dye from the surgery will shut down what remaining kidney function he has, leaving him on dialysis for what's left of his rapidly fading life.

My mom called this morning, and said they had a really bad time getting the IV in and finally had to go in through his neck and that his chest x-ray showed a liter of fluid in one lung that they need to get out of him before they start the surgery. My poor mom is such a wreck. She is considerably younger than my dad (15 years younger) so she is in great health at 66. She is the one who has to take him from doctor to doctor, from test to test and surgery to surgery. Her life has become an endless waiting room. Sometimes she gets really angry and who could blame her. My dad has started to forget things. Important things, like the day after meeting with his surgeon for 90 minutes, he had forgotten he was going to have the surgery. He told my mother he didn't want any extraordinary measures, but when they filled out the forms, he had forgotten their conversation and did a 180. Mom just takes it all in stride and cares for him. She's a nurse, so in some ways, I think it's easier for her. In others, I think it's harder. She knows the risks, and the possible outcomes. She can't be blissfully unaware like others could.

I know it sounds horrible, but there is a part of me that wishes that my dad would go to sleep for the surgery and not wake up. He's suffered so much and it seems like this is just another way to prolong the suffering. My mom told me that getting old is not for wimps...I think she's right.

Today I woke up and Maine was lost to us...for now. I look at my mom and dad and wonder why the hell people want to get married so badly, why they want to tie their futures one to another and put up with all the shit my parents have had to. But then again, if not for my mom, who would have taken care of my dad. If not for her being constantly by his side, he's have died years ago. Personally, I don't want it. I've been down that road, and don't want to go there again...ever. But I can see the appeal. I have friends who have been together for many many years, and I wonder what things would be like for them if they were in my parents' situation. How would they be treated, who would make the decisions if the other couldn't? Things as simple as helping someone to the bathroom in their hospital room, would they be allowed?

And then I go back to who the fuck wants it. Let them have their marriage and their obligation and their ongoing stress. But, let's face it, we all do...want it. Who among us doesn't want to be able to love and be loved without reservation, without boundaries or limits? I guess what my parents are going through today is the meaty, visceral part of the picture. It's not the smiling faces on the ads for one side or the other of the argument, it's not the hug-ins and kiss-ins and weddings on the steps of city hall. In the end, it's the fact that we deserve the right to stand by the person we love as they crumble and fail. To wipe their bottoms, to clean up their messes, to shower them, to carry them and to carry out their wishes even till the end.

Last night, I don't know why, but I was thinking of this song. The words pretty much sum up the battle we face every day. Maine was just another loss. There will be more in the future, I'm sure, but in the end, we will prevail. Freddy really captures that here. There's no place for us, but there will be!!