Missing Chief

Six months ago today, I had to make the heartbreaking decision to say goodbye to my 3 year old pup, Chief. I had rescued Chief from the pound 2 years earlier and he was the love of my life. Chief was a big dog, and sort of awkward, like a teenager. He was so sweet to me, and spent many nights with me curled up sleeping on the bed. In fact, I really think he believed the bed was his and I was just a guest, that typically didn't get more than a few inches of space most nights :-)

In the morning of March 30, I was getting ready for work when out of nowhere, Chief attacked 99, my oldest dog. 99 was also rescued from a parking lot behind a convenience store. I've had her for almost 11 years. Chief had never shown any signs of aggression toward 99, although he did not get along with my other dog, Max. About 6 months after I brought Chief home, he went after Max and caused $1200 of emergency vet damage. From that day on, I had to keep Max and Chief separated. Chief and 99 had been buddies, however. They played together all the time. It was a complete shock when Chief attacked 99. He grabbed onto her neck and would not let go. He was tossing her around like a rag doll. At almost 90 lbs, he was twice the size of 99 at 45 lbs. I screamed, I beat on him with a broom, I pulled on him, I got bit myself (yeah I know you are not supposed to get in the middle, but when your baby is being torn apart, thinking goes out the window).

After what seemed like hours, but was more like 10 minutes, They were separate. I got Chief into a back room and assessed the damage on 99. There was blood all over the house. There was blood on the rugs, on the walls, on the furniture. 99 was curled up hiding behind the recliner barely breathing and still bleeding. I rushed her to the Vet and they took her in right away. The news was not good. She was bleeding internally and had lost a ton of blood. They didn't know if she was going to make it. I was devastated. Chief had already done something very similar to Max, and now 99. I knew that he could not stay in the house any longer. I talked with the vet and they agreed that it would be hard to get any of the rescues to take Chief due to his aggressive acts. Also, we knew if I brought him to animal control, they would euthanize him. I could not in good conscience give him to anyone with pets or children, and to be honest, for the first time I was actually afraid for my own safety.

I went home while we waited to see if 99 was going to pull through. Chief knew something was wrong and he came and sat in front of my with his bloody paw on my knee. There was dried blood all over his face. I cried. I cried like I hadn't cried in a long time. After about an hour, I got up and put on Chief's leash and took him to the vet. They knew why we were there. They took us into the room and gave Chief a sedative to help him settle. I really wanted them to give me one. After a while, the vet came in and I sat on the floor feeding treats to Chief. He was a treat hound and would eat them all day long if given the chance. His tail was wagging and he was eating treats. They injected him and after about 20 seconds he ate his last treat and his tail stopped wagging. Just before his eyes closed I whispered "we'll be together again" in his ear. I was devastated. They let me sit with him as long as I wanted. His body was limp, it was clear he was gone.

I got up and went out front and asked to see 99. She was still in critical condition and when I went back to see her, she cried and put her head in my hand. The vet said it was just a waiting game at that point. So I waited. I went home and poor Max didn't know what was up. He had been sequestered in the master bedroom when everything happened. He must have heard all the commotion and then heard me rush out. He could see me leaving with 99 and then with Chief out the bedroom window. Then I came back each time alone. He must have been freaking. He sat on my feet and put his head on my knee as I cried. It was good to have him close.

In the end, 99 survived, although not without a long and difficult recovery. Chief was cremated and I have his ashes on a shelf in the living room. He gets to keep an eye on everything. Max and 99 are good and healthy and loving. They both sleep on the bed with me every night. Last night, I heard a big sigh and looked over. 99 was laying with her head on the pillow stretched out. She looked over at me and licked my nose and then sighed and went back to sleep. Max was curled up at the foot of the bed and rubbed his head on my feet. Things have gotten back to normal now and I'm happy for that. I still miss Chief, though. He loved me so much and made me laugh so much. In the end, though I've learned to live with my decision. I'll always wish it could have been different, but it is done, and life has gone on.

Six months later and I still catch myself looking for Chief every now and then. Somewhere, he's playing and running and happy. I firmly believe that.

Mixed bag of emotions...

Today, I read that trials of a new HIV vaccine have proven to be quite promising. Some are saying that this is the start of a beginning. Some are suggesting that this promising news will lead us to more discoveries sooner that will see a real, highly successful vaccine to HIV. I'm not sure why, but this news has hit me hard and my emotions are mixed. It appears that there might be a light at the end of the tunnel in the fight against new infections of HIV/AIDS. It looks at there is some hope for the future that others will be able to be vaccinated against this disease. For that hope, I am grateful. I want my niece and nephew to come of age where they don't have to think about contracting HIV, where a vaccination can protect them in the same way it protected me from measles and mumps.

It seems, however, with all this hope, I am overcome by a sense of loss. I don't feel it this way often, but today it is heavy in my heart. I can't help but think of all those who have died, who have fought the often tedious, always hard fight against this disease. I think about Tom, how I loved that man. How he fought. I think about my many other friends who have passed into the next wave of existence. Back in the late 80's and through the 90's really, I lost count of the memorial services, the burials, the scattering of ashes. I think of the friends who got so bad that they saved up the right combination of medications, smoked a joint, and downed them with a bottle of booze to hasten them on their journey. I remember the friends who sat with them as they passed, and who witnessed to keep their memory alive (I sat in that chair more than once).

I wonder what the future brings. When the vaccine has made transmission of HIV a thing of the past, what of those of us who still fight the battle? I've always tried to find meaning in the death of my friends by telling myself that their experience, their participation in clinical trials, their subjecting themselves to all forms of studies and tests were for the future, were for the betterment of humanity in helping to find a way to stop this crazy train. But what happens when the disease is no more because of a vaccine? What meaning do our deaths have then?

What about those of us who are becoming "long term survivors"? The effects of the meds get worse over time. Some of the friends I have now living with HIV/AIDS are dying from the long exposure to medications that would kill a normally healthy person. The liver and kidneys shut down. The heart overworked. The digestive system torn apart. What happens to those in the middle, not saved by the vaccine, but not dead from the disease?

I'm sure in a few hours, I'll be thinking about something else, something that won't make my head and my heart ache. Just for now....I remember and I wonder and I hope.

The joys of the Icejack

Last night, I settled in with my Icejack by Fleshjack. I really love the Icejack, as you can see through it and watch your hard cock fuck in and out. I chose the Ultratight butthole. The butthole opening is really nice and tight. It feels great as it grips your cock and milks it. The Ultratight sleeve is just what it says, Ultra Tight!! It really feels like you are fucking a nice tight ass. I love to just watch my hard piece fucking in an out. The feelings are amazing and the visual drives me wild.

After a nice solid fucking, I felt the urge in the base of my cock. My cock started to get harder and I could feel the Icejack tighten around it. It wasn't long before I was pounding my cock with Icejack and heading for the brink. Typically, I would spend a long time edging and just enjoying the feeling, but I had things to do, so I just went for it. I had the camera nearby so I shot a short clip of me cumming in the Icejack and the cum dripping out. Good times!!!!

I highly recommend the Icejack. No matter what set up you go with, you will not be disappointed. The nice thing is, you can design your own, choosing what opening and texture you want. Follow the link for a 10% off coupon as well.