It seems, however, with all this hope, I am overcome by a sense of loss. I don't feel it this way often, but today it is heavy in my heart. I can't help but think of all those who have died, who have fought the often tedious, always hard fight against this disease. I think about Tom, how I loved that man. How he fought. I think about my many other friends who have passed into the next wave of existence. Back in the late 80's and through the 90's really, I lost count of the memorial services, the burials, the scattering of ashes. I think of the friends who got so bad that they saved up the right combination of medications, smoked a joint, and downed them with a bottle of booze to hasten them on their journey. I remember the friends who sat with them as they passed, and who witnessed to keep their memory alive (I sat in that chair more than once).
I wonder what the future brings. When the vaccine has made transmission of HIV a thing of the past, what of those of us who still fight the battle? I've always tried to find meaning in the death of my friends by telling myself that their experience, their participation in clinical trials, their subjecting themselves to all forms of studies and tests were for the future, were for the betterment of humanity in helping to find a way to stop this crazy train. But what happens when the disease is no more because of a vaccine? What meaning do our deaths have then?
What about those of us who are becoming "long term survivors"? The effects of the meds get worse over time. Some of the friends I have now living with HIV/AIDS are dying from the long exposure to medications that would kill a normally healthy person. The liver and kidneys shut down. The heart overworked. The digestive system torn apart. What happens to those in the middle, not saved by the vaccine, but not dead from the disease?
I'm sure in a few hours, I'll be thinking about something else, something that won't make my head and my heart ache. Just for now....I remember and I wonder and I hope.
I've had this same thought many times over the years when I've heard of process with a vaccine, but they've always failed. Yesterday's news was the most positive statement I've heard to date and definitely is encouraging, from a "good of all mankind" point of view.
ReplyDeleteBut it does make you wonder what happens with those of us that are already infected and deal day to day with the meds, the never knowing when a new ailment crops up, and what the long term effects of the very meds that are keeping us alive today will have in the future. Today there is a race to have the next great HIV regimen...it's big business. But what if there wasn't the potential of hundreds of thousands of new customers out there...would that race still be on? Don't even get me started on my feelings about why they won't ever find a cure--or at least, why they would never make it public.
With the slow speed of trials and approvals for new medicines, combined with the hesitancy of people to jump on the vaccine bandwagon (look how hard the fight against the HPV vaccine has been, for an example), there will likely be many thousands more joining us in our journey before a true vaccine is available and able to make a dent in the infection rates.
Don't get me wrong, I stand on the soapbox and warn guys against wanting to "get pozzed" and try to wake up the guys that say "I just don't care if I get it." HIV is an ugly disease and not something I would wish on anyone. But if it is no longer a threat, I do have to wonder how much effort will go into making it more tolerable for those already infected.
Like you, I am so very thankful for the legions of guys that went ahead of us and bravely fought the fight so we could have it as good as we do today. Honestly, I owe them my life. As always, thanks for your insights, InkBear. You're a good man.
A sobering and insightful post. Thanks InkBear.
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