One year of missing Chief

It was a year ago today that I said goodbye to my sweet Chief. His ashes are on my nightstand, as he loved to curl up in the bed. 99 is back to her old self, although she still favors one side and twists a little weird when I scratch that side. Max is just happy to have his kingdom back in order. I love my babies so much. Every day I tell them that. I wish things could have been different a year ago, but what's done is done. I don't think a day goes by that I don't think of Chief. Today, thinking of him is a little painful. Anniversaries are like that, I guess. The two posts below are from one year ago today and tomorrow. They are the best way to share what happened.

March 30, 2009

Today has been a bad day….no, strike that, today has been a horrible day. This morning, Chief, my youngest and biggest dog attacked 99 my oldest and smallest. I think he was trying to protect me, as 99 grumbled when I got her to let go of a piece of paper that she had. The second she grumbled, Chief was on her. The attack lasted for what seemed like forever, but was probably 10 minutes. He would not let go. I beat on him with a broomstick, pulled on him, yelled at him, threw water at him. Nothing worked. By the time it was over, my house was covered in blood and 99 could barely move. I rushed her to the vet and she is being observed. They are concerned he may have nicked her jugular, as she is bleeding into her throat. She is on huge doses of morphine, and they are watching and waiting.

This was not the first time that Chief attacked. Almost 2 years ago, he went after Max, my middle dog. Max required emergency surgery to save his life. I refused to give Chief up, so I made due. I structured my life so that Max and Chief were always separated. When they had to be together, like in the car, they both had on basket muzzles. I sacrificed in a number of ways, so that I would not have to give up Chief.

This time, I couldn't sacrifice any more. It was pretty obvious that Chief would not be adoptable. He was a danger to other dogs. Frankly, I was, for the first time, afraid for what could happen to me if he turned on me. I made the most difficult decision of my life and brought Chief in to be euthanized.

It was the worst thing I’ve ever been through. He ate treats out of my hand right up until his last breath, and then I just held him and cried. I feel like someone has torn out my heart. Chief was such a lover to me. He showered me with kisses every moment of the day, and his tail wagged so hard that the staff at the vet’s where I’d board him always said he left bruises from his tail wagging. He loved to curl up at my feet and would push my hand with his muzzle if the rubbing and petting stopped for too long. The bottom line is he just plain loved me. No matter what, good day or bad, he loved me. It doesn’t seem right that I could make the decision to end that love, but I did and now I have to live with that. There are all sorts of reasons that friends and family tell me I did the right thing. I’m not sure I believe any of them. I just know that I wish today would start over and everything would have been different.

As he took his last breath, I told him I loved him and that we’d be together again. I hope I was right.

March 31, 2009

Last night was rough. I brought 99 home from the vet and she was in lots of pain. The vet thought it best that she be at home where she would be less stressed. She said the first 72 hours would be touch and go. So, 99 came home and dropped to the floor a few feet inside the front door. She stayed there for the next 12 hours, crying. It just hurt to watch her. Her breathing was fast and she cried with each breath. I gave her the pain meds and prayed that she would get some peace. I spent the night between my bed and the couch, sleeping an hour in the bed and then laying on the couch and softly petting her head. She just kept crying. I covered her with a blanket and gave her a little pillow for her head. She wouldn’t eat or drink the water I left for her.

In the morning, she finally moved from her spot in front of the front door and drank some water. I was thrilled, she was drinking water. She wouldn’t eat, except for the peanut butter I was feeding her from my fingers. She was also not crying any more. She looked haggard and old, and swollen. But she was still my girl. This afternoon, we went back to the vet for a change of her pressure bandages. God, there was so much blood. When the bandages came off, I got to see the true extent of the damage. She is torn up, and her neck, shoulders, and one side are swollen huge. There are gashes everywhere. The spot on the front of her neck where the blood pooled is the size of a softball. My baby is in rough shape.

The Dr was pleased that the bleeding appears to have stopped. 99’s gums were nice and pink and surprisingly through all of this, her tail was wagging. Every single person working there popped their head in to see how she was doing. Everyone loves 99. They all said the same, she is such a good girl, she is such a lover, she is the sweetest dog. They were all right. She is all of those things. She came into my life when I was just restarting it. Newly sober, and without many friends she rescued me. She was my companion when I felt alone, she pushed her way into my life and it has never been the same since. Her wagging tail is a given at any time on any day. Her pain these past few days has been hard for me to watch, because she deserves a life free from it.

The Dr says I need to keep an eye on her for infection. She gave me some high calorie prescription food, which 99 is loving. She can have as much as often as she wants. Right now, she is sleeping on the floor, and hopefully, she will continue throughout the night.

So, I am optimistic for 99 and her recovery. She has a road ahead of her, but she is walking it, and she won’t be alone. Still, the house is so very quiet. Chief is still in my head and my heart. Last night while I was sleeping there was barking. I kept telling Chief to settle down until I finally realized it was Maxwell….that hit me. This morning, I was so focused on 99 that I was able to pull myself together and go to work for a few hours. Half way there, Chief would not get out of my head, so I arrived at work with red eyes and an aching throat. My coworkers gave me a very nice card on the loss of a pet, and that wrecked me. I picture Chief now, nudging my hand while I am trying to type. He did that all the time and it used to annoy the hell out of me. How many times did I tell him to go lay down? How many times did I push his head away so I could work? How many times did he run around the house like a madman, wagging tail knocking things over and off shelves? The house was never quiet with Chief around. And yet now it is. It is so very quiet. Max and 99 are older, and just not spastic like Chief was. They love quietly and softly, while he loved loudly and hard. I’ve been very fortunate, so many friends wishing me and 99 well. So many people understanding. I guess my head knows the deal. Unfortunately, my heart is going to take awhile….soon….I hope…

Grizzly Fest at Sawmill Campground

After the great weekend at the Parliament House, I have been exchanging text messages with one half of the bear couple I played with on Sunday. These guys were lots of fun, and I was looking forward to playing with them again. Thursday, I sent a message saying that I wished we lived closer and could play more. I got back a response that they would be at the Sawmill Campground all weekend for Grizzly Fest. The Sawmill Campground is a gay campground about 1 hour from Tampa or Orlando (about 40 minutes from my house). The have cabins, RV sites, tent sites with electricity and water and primitive camp sites. They also have a number of bars, restaurants, a General Store, and a beautiful heated CLOTHING OPTIONAL pool. I've heard from lots of friends that they have a great time when they go. Living only 40 minutes away, you'd think I'd have gone by now, but nope. Anyhow, Grizzly Fest was sponsored by the Backwoods Bears and from the list of events on the Sawmill website, it sounded like it would be a good time. I'll be the first to admit that I'm a princess when it comes to camping. If my accommodations don't include hot/cold running water, electricity and heat/ac, I'm not gonna be there. The Sawmill does have cabins that have all of these, but they were sold out. Fortunately, I live close, so I didn't mind driving up and back.

Friday after work, I hit the Army/Navy Store for some goodies. Got a pair of black tactical pants, some camo t-shirts and 50 feet of nylon cord. The nylon cord is great once you remove the core for tying up cock and balls. Got home, showered, and waited. The traffic up I75 to the Sawmill is a bitch in the evenings, so I waited until 8pm to head out. Made it to the Sawmill in about 40 minutes and checked in and then went looking for my bear pals. Luckily, they were in a little encampment of bears right across from the pool where I parked. We chatted for a while and then they went off to take a nap. I decided to walk around and check things out.

I headed through the pool area (very nice by the way) over to the bars and leather store. Checked out the wares at the leather store and were pleased to see that they sold bottles of J-lube powder. Clearly, they were prepared for REAL pigs :@) Outside in the courtyard and also inside in the dance bar, there were a few hundred bears sitting around playing BINGO. I found this very strange. With all these hot bears around, why BINGO? Well, what the hell, can't last forever. I sat and watched at the bears played BINGO. I was just wasting time until the real action got underway. Finally, the BINGO was over and the dance music started inside in the club. I headed in for a water and to wait. After a while, one of my buds showed up to pick up T-shirts that he had bought from one of the vendors. WoofTEASE does Bear related t-shirts, hoodies, etc. I was checking out their designs. They had one for Pig Bottom and I asked the guy where the one was for Pig TOP. He told me there is no such thing. Clearly, he doesn't get out much :@)

We headed back over to the camp site and they got ready to head to the Bear Den. The Bear Den is a hot little play space, and that was where all the action was going to be. It was funny listening to the bears sitting around the fire. Some of them were talking about how gross eating cum was, even their own....WHAT THE FUCK!!?!?!??!?! Then someone mentioned the trough at the Bear Den for watersports....a number of them were grossed out....ewwwwwww....SERIOUSLY???!?!??! Clearly this was a vanilla group of bears. Sad, really, a few of them were kinda cute. So, I told my buds to point me in the direction of the Den, they decided to come along.

Got to the Den and checked in, and the boys gave me a tour. Fun little play space with hay or sawdust all over the floor. There were 4 slings, and lots of other areas to play. Things were just warming up, in other words, everyone was being all shy. I love when you go to a play space and people waste the first hour walking around a playing coy cuz they don't want to be the first. God forbid anyone should think they're a pig. Luckily, I don't suffer from that hang-up, so I pulled the boys aside and said let's do it. They weren't feeling the sling, so we went over to the big bed. I bent the big bear over and proceeded to chow down on his sweet ass. He loved having me eat his ass at the P-house, and was moaning and groaning as I went to town. His partner was on his back and some other bear I didn't know was eating his ass. We carried on like this for quite a while and had a pretty decent sized audience. That was fine with me, I love it when a crowd forms and watches!!

When both bears had their fill of getting their ass eaten we headed outside (there was a Beer Bust going on outside the play space). We stood and talked with friends of theirs and chilled. Of course, once I've got started, standing around and chatting is not where I'm at. Two of their friends were this nice bear couple that they had told me about. One of them was a pig bottom and wanted to get me over to his sling. Wasn't long before we headed over to get nasty.

The sling was in one of those 8x10 screen rooms that people put up at campsites. It was a great setup. We were no sooner there than he was on his knees working my cock with his mouth. He was good and knew what he was doing. With the sling right there, however, I was antsy to move on. I had him jump in the sling and started to finger his hole. It was clear that he was prepped for this. His hole was lubed and open. I slid my cock with my 2ga PA in smoothly and started to pound his ass. His ass felt great and I was having a great time.

At some point he said that when I was done, he wanted to be on his knees and let me piss on him. (He had on his yellow jockstrap and yellow socks). I said, why wait, I can piss IN you right now. His eyes got HUGE and he was like YESSSSS YESSSSS DO IT!!!! I wish he had been into it ;-) So, I told him to lay still and let me do my thing. Over the years, I've gotten really good at pissing with a hardon. It takes a little bit to get the head space down and focus the feelings in the hard cock from heading toward cumming to pissing. Typically in a minute or less, I can go from fucking to pissing without losing my hard on. I let go with a hard long stream of warm piss. I could feel as it pooled in his ass and surrounded my cock. When I was done, I resumed fucking and fucked that piss into his ass for quite a while. When I finally pulled out, I told him to hold it in and not squirt all over me. He did a nice job holding it, and then I went to work on his ass with my fingers. My piss was running out of his ass onto my hand as I worked on his hole. It was very hot.

I worked his hole for quite a while moving from fingers to toys and back again. He had a little Tupperware container of J-lube that he would had me when I needed more lube. I was giving him shit about his little Tupperware container. Did he get it from his mom? Did he go to Tupperware parties often? shit like that. He was laughing and then felt weird that he was laughing. I told him my philosophy was that sex should be fun and if you couldn't laugh during sex, you needed to try again. I kept adding fingers. 2 fingers for a while and then 3 fingers. He was loving it. He said it had been a year since anyone had been able to get to 4 fingers. Well, nothing like a challenge. Wasn't long before I was up to 4 fingers in his sweet ass. I was all the way up to the base of my thumb and he was going wild. We stayed right there for quite a while, as I could tell he wasn't ready for the whole fist. No matter, it's all the same to me, as long as the bottom is groaning with pleasure, I'm happy.

We finally cleaned up and headed back to the Den. I headed off to see what kind of trouble I could find for myself. Didn't take long and some guy was on his knees with my cock in his mouth. Now, as I mentioned there was a Beer Bust going on as part of the event. This is not always a good thing. I find that most guys who have had a few too many (or even just a few) get sloppy when it comes to sex. This guy was not doing a great job on my cock. His teeth were really too involved and it was starting to be unpleasant. I gave him a pat and headed on. Found another guy who was really hot. Nice hard cock and beautifully hairy chest. We were going along fine until he decided that because I had on a ball stretcher, he had an open invitation to squeeze. My friends, when a man's balls are pulled to tight in a ball stretcher that you could see your face in their reflections, it is probably a good idea to start slowly with the balls and then work up from there. This guy took them both in his hand and squeezed with all his might. You know when you get kicked in the nuts, well that was the feeling. I punched him hard in the chest and let go and was all apologies. I sort of hobbled/waddled out of the Den and found a seat to recover.

After about 15 minutes, I was good to go and headed back inside. I was stroking my cock when some guy came over and whispered that he wanted to be fucked in the sling. Well, who was I to say no?!?!? Got this hot little cub up in the sling and buried my cock in his hot ass. It was tight and he had a hard time taking the PA at first. With a little more lube and some finger work, he was up for it, and took it like a champ. We fucked quite a long time and had again gathered a nice audience. Wasn't long before some other hot bears had come up and my bud in the sling was sucking their cocks. One guy got down on the ground and was tonguing my bud's ass and licking my balls at the same time. HEAVEN!!!

I was needing to take a break, so I pulled out and another guy took my spot. I cleaned up a little and headed out side for some fresh air. I had heard a lot about the nature trails around the lake and figured a cool walk would be just the thing before I headed home. The trails are awesome. At the dead end of each trail there are chairs and benches. You can tell that professionals thought this one out. At the end of one trail there was a guy buck ass naked on his knees jerking off. I stopped and pulled out my cock. He took it in his mouth and sucked. I was feeling good and figured this would be a good way to end the evening. He pulled my cock out of his mouth and said "I'm so thirsty, give me your piss." Well, that pissing through a hardon skill came in handy twice in one night. I slid my cock back in his mouth and told him to say still for a minute. Once I summoned up the piss, it was coming in a heavy stream. He was drinking it down as fast as he could when I clamped my fingers on his nostrils. I know, I know, not nice, but it was fun. He gagged a bit and then proceeded to hold his breath while he sucked down every last drop. I let him breath and he sucked me a few more minutes until I felt a load stirring in my balls. I let go and once again, he swallowed every drop. I zipped up leaving him there on his knees with a big smile on his face.

I've already marked my calendar with the events for the rest of the year at the Sawmill. The next event is a Camouflage Weekend with the Tampa Leather Club. Should be FUN!!!

New Fleshlight!!

I've been slacking off with my Fleshlight/Fleshjacks. A few days ago, I spent 90 minutes with one. Then every evening since. Anyhow, I'm gonna order me one of these tonight. Lupe Fuentes Mini Lotus Fleshlight Pussy Nice tight pussy to fuck!! I also think I'll get some Str8cam Lube to go with it! Jeff tells me it works great with his Fleshlights.

Happy Birthday to ME

About a month ago, I decided I was going to celebrate my 44th birthday in style. Now, you have to understand that "in style" really means covered in lube, and piss and cum. I knew the Men4Bareback monthly bareback party was the weekend before my birthday, so I decided to get a room for the weekend at the Parliament House in Orlando. When I lived in FL 18 years ago, I used to come to the P-House as it is affectionately known all the time. The P-House bills itself as a "gay resort". In reality, it is a blend of night clubs, restaurants, drag shows and a "hotel" which is really an old style motor inn, and really more of a bath house. People cruise the balconies day and night looking for hot, mild to wild man sex.

When I used to come to the P-House, I never actually paid for a room. I'd just play "balcony bingo", as it's known, and spend the night with whatever trick I hooked up with who already had a room. Back then in my mid-twenties, it was pretty easy to hook up and have a free room for the night. At this point in time, I wouldn't count on that luck any more. So, I made reservations, took a vacation day from work and planned to spend Fri, Sat and Sun nights at the P-House, with a hot bareback party thrown in the middle.

Friday, I arrived at about 4pm. Within 15 minutes of checking in, I was already naked with my cock in some guy's mouth. He followed me from the car as I was bringing in my toolboxes of kink. I had them loaded with e-stim, rope, gags, gas masks, forceps, clothespins, and other goodies. Anyhow, this guy knew what the toolboxes were for and followed me in. He stood in the doorway and complimented my tattoos. I invited him in and dropped my clothes. He did the same and dropped down on my cock. He said he liked to eat ass, so I flipped over and let him go to town. He not only liked it, he was extremely good at it. We played around for 45 minutes or so and then he went out to cruise some more and I got settled into my room.

Friday night, I ended up playing with 8 different guys. Some of them in singles, and a few couples. I got to use some of my toys. Tied up one guy, clothespinned another. All in all, Friday was a very good night.

I got up Saturday and headed out for breakfast. When I got back, there were already guys cruising the balconies. I eyed one I wanted and pulled him into my room. We played for a while and then I kicked him out. He was fun, but I was hoping to find someone a little less vanilla. I sat in my room writing, with the door open and the curtain back and it didn't take long for him to come along. He was a young guys with some really nice ink. He noticed the open toolboxes and asked if he could check them out....um FUCK YES!! He came in and looked through them and I just sort of sat at the desk watching him. His reactions were priceless. Every new thing he picked up, he sort of moaned a little in a very hot, very boyish way. I couldn't take it anymore and told him to get up, close the door and strip. He did, and I went to town. Tied him down to the bed, which is no small feat, as there are no legs on the bed, it's a platform. Once I got him tied down, I put the gas mask on him, and fed him poppers through the hose. I covered him in clothespins and then I hooked up the estim and shoved the butt plug electrode up his ass. He was going wild and so was I. After a while, I removed all the implements of torture and flipped him over and tied him back down, and then I fucked his ass until I finally seeded him with a nice load. After he left I cleaned up and got ready for the bareback party.

I headed up a little early to hang out with the guys. The party was smaller than the last months. A lot of guys canceled at the last minute. Fortunately, there were plenty of fun guys to go around. Tom was there with another "piggie bag" of his world famous chicken for me. In fact, it wasn't even what he brought for the party, he made me a special serving all for me. What a sweet guy!! There was a new guy there. I had exchanged a few messages with him before the party and he wasn't sure he was going to be able to make it. Damn, I'm glad he did. This guy was a really handsome bear, with a thick pelt of fur. He also he the most beautiful bubble butt ever. I was sitting out at the pool when I was told that M was requesting my presence in the back bedroom. I headed back and he asked if I wanted to eat his load out of this hot new guy's ass. Well, duh, of course I want to!!! M was wanting the new guy to fuck him, but he was resting after getting pounded by M's thick 8" cock, so I had M get in his back and I slid my rock hard cock in there. Eating cum out of a hot ass makes me hard every time!!

The night progressed with lots of fucking and sucking, and about 10pm, I decided to head back to the P-House. When I got back, I grabbed a shower, changed, and headed into the disco to dance the night away. I was on the dance floor from 11pm until they closed at 2am. I LOVE to dance. I've never minded dancing on my own. From my very first days as a little gayling, I've always spent all the time I could on the dance floor. The energy was great and I had a blast. I talked to (read flirted) a lot of guys. It might surprise you to know that I'm not shy :-)

After the bar closed, I headed back to my room. Balcony Bingo was in full swing. A number of guys cruised me and then one cute young boy stopped and came in. Luckily for me, he was into piss. I had a lot of water during the night and needed to let it go. He was happy to oblige, first letting it run down his lightly hairy chest and then locking on with his lips and draining every last drop. We showered and jumped in bed and I fucked him all over the bed, then on the floor, then in a chair. When he left, and I finally got to bed, it was after 4am. Oh my god, this body hasn't seen 4am in many many years. Well worth it, though.

I had placed an ad on Craigslist when I arrived on Friday and had been chatting back and forth with this really hot bear couple. Actually one was a bear and one was a cub. Both hot as hell. I recognized their photos from Bear Bust last October. Anyhow, they were planning to come by on 10am on Sunday. As I dropped into bed exhausted on Sunday morning at 4am, I figured I could sleep until 9 and then get up and shower and be ready for 10. God, 5 hours is not enough sleep when you dance all night and then play after, Luckily for me, they were running late. When they arrived, we got naked right away and got down to it. The bear was a bottom and the cub was versatile. I ate ass, and fucked them both. Then the cub fucked his partner. Everyone came and left satisfied.

At that point, I knew I needed to take a break. After the guys left, I dropped into bed. L, A and M were coming down to meet me at the P-House for T-Dance. They showed up about 5:30 and we hung out at my room, and then headed down to the clubs, walked the balconies, and generally had a lot of laughs. We ended up in the disco for the drag show and this really hot young guy walked in. I motioned to him and growled and the guys I was with said "you've fucked him before" I was not making the connection. You see, when you spend a number of hours fucking someone buck ass naked at a bareback party, your frame of reference seeing them in a dance club fully clothed is all messed up. When he came over to say hi, I immediately remembered him. I've written about the great time I had with him before. He is a hot latin cub, with a perfect body, killer smile and sweet disposition. He chatted for a while and then headed off to chat with some friends. We decided after a while that the dance club was a bore, so we headed outside to walk around and see what we saw. Sweet little E, my latin cub, was walking up and asked where we were going. I told him, "we're taking you to room 249 to fuck you." He smiled and came right along. We weren't in the room for 2 minutes before all 5 of us were naked. L fucked him first, while I sucked his cock. This hot little Puerto Rican stud loves to kiss and so do I, so while he was getting pounded, I was kissing him, or he was pressing his head on my chest. When my turn came, I was having some technical difficulties. I guess after all the play I'd had all weekend, my dick was just not ready for any more. No worries, I laid back on the bed and E alternated between sucking my cock and kissing me while the 3 other guys took turns filling his ass with their cum. After we all laid on the beds spent and smiling, E curled up on my chest and just lay there....heaven.

The guys left to head home to make dinner and E stayed with me on the bed just laying there and cuddling and talking for a while. Eventually he needed to get going and head home to his partner. I was bummed to see him go, but happy that we ran into him. I got cleaned up and finally decided to call it a night around 11:30. Monday morning, I would drive home and recuperate. As I hit the pillow on Sunday, I was glad that I had the foresight to take Monday off as a vacation day. I don't think my mind or my body could manage work on Monday. When I got home on Monday, I picked up the dogs and then went home to upack. Ended up jerking off 4 loads thinking about the hot weekend!!

Overall, it was the best birthday (weekend) I've had in many years. Being back at the P-House after 18 years brought back a lot of memories and I noticed a lot of things about me that had sort of crept up on me over these 18 years. But those deep and not so deep thoughts are for another post. For now, I'll just bask in the glow of a great weekend!!

Perverted Pantry

OK, after the last post, I realized I left out a lot of other good homemade BDSM implements of torture. I'll list a few more here. Again, these things aree cheap and probably some of them are already lying around your house.

Brushes, brushes, brushes. Oh the joys of brushes. Get yourself one of those cheap battery operated toothbrushes. The ones that are disposable are fine. The ones with the rotary action seem best. When your bottom is tied up, or tied down, use the toothbrush on the bottom of their feet, the head of their cock, their balls, their taint. For a real test of wills, spread their cheeks and use it outside their perky little hole!!

You can do a similar thing but cover a larger area with a vegetable brush. And it you really want to work an ass over, get a nice sized toilet brush and go to town.

OK, how about something so simple you might not even think of it....water! Water is one of the most essential parts of human life, why not make it an essential part of your play. Fill a spray bottle with ice cold water. Turn it to full stream and then blast away at cock heads, balls, assholes. Better yet, go one step further and freeze it into cubes. Hold each cube in your hand for a few seconds to rub off any sharp edges and then slide it into your bottom's lubed up hole. Watch them quiver with delight. Make a game of it, see how many your bottom can hold before they are begging you to release them, Even more fun, freeze into popsicles and slide them up a willing hole. I'm a big fan of felching, so I like to use pops made of something like crystal light, etc, and eat them out after sliding them in.

The above tricks can also be used with cum. That's right. Save up your loads and freeze them. Over time, you can get a decent collection of cubes that you can melt in your or someone you love's ass. Makes great lube!!!

There is lots more, and again, the only limit is your imagination. My friends have often told me that I'm the mad scientist of sex. I love that!!!!! So go ahead, head into your lab and get wild and crazy!

Budget-minded Deviants Save Money...BDSM

The past few months, I've been reconnecting with my BDSM past. I've been twisted for quite some time, but my BDSM pursuits for the past few years have been pretty much self centered. Lately, I've been getting back into the BDSM activities that involve others. My hiatus was really tied to my meth addiction. When I lived in San Francisco and was heavily into the BDSM scene, I was also a meth addict. It has taken me quite a few years of sobriety to be able to connect the dots without the drugs. No small feat, trust me. But, now I'm getting there and so I've been resupplying my tool box of implements of torture.

Let's face it, lots of the gear for BDSM play is not cheap. Get yourself a good leather hood, a flogger, some leather restraints, a variety of nipple clamps, a blindfold and a gag and you're already up over $500. Throw in a harness, chaps, pants, vest, some e-stim gear, sounds, catheters, etc and you can easily reach into the thousands of dollars.

I like to think of ways to find BDSM gear cheap, and in some cases make my own. Below are some ideas for the frugal minded pervert. This is clearly not an exhaustive list, but there are some $$ savers here.

A whole scene for dom and sub for less than $50

Head out to the local Dollar Store, Hardware Store, etc and you can find the following:

• Clothespins in a variety of sizes - $1-$2
• Duct Tape - $1
• Fly swatter - $1
• Rubber gloves, either First Aid or Kitchen Gloves - $2-$3

OK, now head on over to your local Army/Navy Surplus and find the following:

• Knit Ski Mask (I have them in black and olive) - $4
• 100 feet of climbing rope - $10
• Dickies coverall or aviator flight suit - $25

Here's how to put it all together (please note, if you are not familiar with bondage and corporal punishment, please seek out experienced people to show you how to do it right. Not doing it right can result in injury to one or both parties....any experienced BDSM player worth a shit will be happy to take you under their wing and teach you...YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!!)

The coverall is for the Top/Dom. These are a cheap replacement for leather chaps, vests, etc etc. Get it in black and you've got great fetish gear for a solid BDSM scene. Get it in other colors and the sky is the limit. Olive for a military scene, blue for a mechanic/garage scene...you get the idea. The front zips all the way open from the top or the bottom (great for accessing a hard cock). You can cut off the sleeves if you want a different version. I like to cut off the sleeves on mine, I paid good money for my ink and like to show it off. It is also easy to get in and out of these, much faster than say putting on or taking off a pair of leather chaps or pants.

The climbing rope is for the bottom/sub. With 100 feet, the Top should be able to bind them in all sorts of great positions. Shorter lengths work best, so cut that 100 feet into a number of pieces. Try a 30', an 18', three 12', and some 6 foot pieces (give or take). Again, if you don't know what you are doing, get some info first before you try to go it alone. There is a wealth of information online, as well as books, workshops, or again, hooking up with a knowledgeable player for some instruction.

Once you have the bottom tied up, you can put on the hood, blindfold and/or gag. Wait, you don't have those??? Sure you do, get out the ski mask and the duct tape. Hood = ski mask. Stuff a dirty sock or jock in the bottoms mouth and then run some duct tape around it, nice gag. Place something over the eyes to protect them (a paper towel or washcloth will do), wrap with duct tape, et viola, instant blindfold. Take care with the duct tape. You want to stick it to itself, not lips or eyelids. Also, helpful hint, after you wrap the duct tape, fold over the end just a bit. This will allow you to grab it and rip it off without cutting or picking at the end. Personally, I think this hood/gag/blindfold set up is HOT HOT HOT!! has a really great abduction vibe to it.

Want to add a chastity device to the bottom? Take one of the rubber gloves, fill it with their package and then bind with duct tape. If they even think of getting hard, they will be squirming. (Again, the duct tape goes on the glove not on the delicate skin of the crotch). I know it sounds devious to put the tape on the skin, but I've seen first hand that some brands of duct tape will actually rip skin when it is pulled off. Not the goal here :-)

OK, now the fun begins. Clothespins are great just about anywhere. Nips, balls, cock, thighs, ass, chest, you name it. Remember that the fun in clothespins is not the application, it is the removal. When the clothespin is applied, it compresses the tissue and restricts blood flow. When it is removed, blood rushes back into the area and the nerves are overwhelmed. A lot of new bottoms are so proud that they can have so many pins applied at once, only to realize they are paying for it when the pins are removed. You could spend many play sessions, just exploring the various ways to play with a $1 bag of clothespins. When you want to get really fancy, try a "zipper". Some great clothespin info can be found just by googling. Here is one page with some great info.

How about that fly swatter? Makes a great paddle for ass, cock and balls, nips. Or, you can make yourself a home made flogger with some of the climbing rope, again google for instructions for many options. The possibilities are endless and really only limited by your deviant mind!!!!

If you want to spend a few more bucks, grab yourself a cheap gas mask at the military surplus for $15-$25 bucks. These are very useful. You can put duct tape over the eyes and you've got a mask AND blindfold. Grab some wooden spoons at the Dollar Store and a can of Tool Dip at the hardware store. Tool Dip is a liquid plastic/rubber that is used for handles of pliers, wrenches, etc. However, if you dip a wooden spoon in it and allow to dry, you've got a great rubber paddle for cheap!!

Don't get me wrong, all the leather gear and expensive toys have their place. I love my e-stimgear and my sounding and pumping gear, but the basics are often the best. If you can get creative with $50, imagine what you can do with the specialized toys.

Finally, if you don't have a pair, get yourself a pair of Jungle or Jump boots at your local military surplus. Jungle boots can be had for $20-$40 and Jump boots run $50-$80. A good pair will last your for many years and are without a doubt the best investment I've made in all of my gear.

If you have any home made ideas, share them in the comments. I know I'm not the only deviant out there :-)

Still human

It never ceases to amaze me how, even in this decade, people are still so terrified of HIV/AIDS and treat those of us who are infected with such disdain. Guy contacted me off one of my profiles on one of the Bear sites. "Profile and pics are hot, looking for a Top, let's play". After checking out his profile, I replied. I had noticed that he had Safe Sex only indicated, so I disclosed I was HIV+. He replied that he has never been with someone who was Poz before, and asked what the risks were, aside from the obvious. (Now, whenever I hear that someone has never been with someone Poz before, I translate that to mean they've never "knowingly" been with someone was was Poz before. There is still such a stigma associated with it, that many people don't share their status, lie about it, or don't even get tested and have no idea.) Anywhoooo, I replied that aside from the obvious risks which can be mitigated by playing safe, the biggest risk was that we'd meet and he'd have a good time. Then, it happened....nothing.....

It's the same story. Start talking to someone interesting, and let them know you are Poz.....silence. Hey, I get it, you don't want to get infected, I don't blame anyone for that. But, for Jeebus' sake, be human. Reply and say "no thanks." I always get a chuckle out of the people who go on and on about how HIV is no longer a death sentence, blah blah blah. Yeah, from a physical perspective, it's not, but from a social perspective it still carries a HUGE load of baggage. I suppose it is also different based on geography. Here in sunny FL, we still live in the dark ages in a lot of ways, and so does a lot of the gay community. Having lost a partner, and a multitude of friends to AIDS, I am often amazed when someone tells me that they have never known anyone with HIV/AIDS. Really?? Having lived in Boston and NYC and San Francisco, I guess my exposure was so much different. But really, in this day and age the fact that there are people in the community who don't know anyone infected is really amazing. Head in the sand much?

For the most part, I play with Poz guys. It's easier to deal with, when can play raw, and we share a common experience. (although every one of us is still unique; HIV impacts each of us differently) There are just times when you can't help but feeling like an outcast. I personally don't mind living on the edge. To be fair, many of my sexual pursuits are on the edge. Because of that, I'm keenly aware of the need to stay connected. I don't necessarily care that people don't want to play because of my infection. What I care about is that they somehow feel that the infection means that I'm no longer human, that I don't deserve at least the basic common courtesies.

Trust me, I've seen more humanity connected to this disease than most people would ever want to see. When people are stripped down to their last 80 pounds of skin and bones, humanity is often all that is left. I've watched in utter amazement as people on the edge of death comforted friends and family, as they themselves were dying. I remember one friend whose younger brother was just devastated at the pending loss of his older brother. My friend would always get his little brother to crawl up into bed with him and then he would hold his little brother and comfort him. The day he died, his little brother was there and was just a mess. My friend patted the bed and his brother climbed in next to him. My friend then wrapped his arms around his very healthy, athletic, college football player brother. As the brother cried, my friend remembered stories of when they were kids, and all the crazy things he did. Somewhere along the way, in one of those memories, my dear friend jumped into eternity. His brother was not aware he was gone, apparently wrapped warmly in those same memories. We waited a while before we brought him back to the reality of the situation. THAT is humanity. THAT is REAL. It's not that I care that some young guy blows me off because I'm positive, it's that they somehow think that I am the disease, that even talking to me is a risk.

Most of us who have been around this virus for any length of time can share stories of the amazing, mind blowing people who we've encountered. I'll take that any day over some superficial bullshit. I would not give up one moment of the journey, I would not give back one ounce of pain, I would not change one decision. It has ALL made me a stronger person. It's probably why I'm still alive. So many amazing people have paid such a high price for me to be a stronger person. None of them knowing at the time that their loss would be to my benefit. I don't take that lightly, and I won't step into the shadows or be tossed aside. I've got something to share and it's not a virus. In the end, we just want to be human...

Epilogue: After 4 days, I received a reply. "Truth be told I am a bit of a hypochondriac and that would get in the way of enjoying myself with you... I'm not completely unscathed myself, last year I found out that I have herpes 1 and I've also had a few situations go sour because of it... I, of course, would have told you about it, but you just beat me to the punch... I would love to hook up with you, your pic is hot and I love the tatts, but I can't... sorry..."

I found the reply to be ironic. He's got Herpes, and "would have told me" and apparently assumed that I would be cool with it. So I guess herpes, no biggie, HIV, no way......