Still human

It never ceases to amaze me how, even in this decade, people are still so terrified of HIV/AIDS and treat those of us who are infected with such disdain. Guy contacted me off one of my profiles on one of the Bear sites. "Profile and pics are hot, looking for a Top, let's play". After checking out his profile, I replied. I had noticed that he had Safe Sex only indicated, so I disclosed I was HIV+. He replied that he has never been with someone who was Poz before, and asked what the risks were, aside from the obvious. (Now, whenever I hear that someone has never been with someone Poz before, I translate that to mean they've never "knowingly" been with someone was was Poz before. There is still such a stigma associated with it, that many people don't share their status, lie about it, or don't even get tested and have no idea.) Anywhoooo, I replied that aside from the obvious risks which can be mitigated by playing safe, the biggest risk was that we'd meet and he'd have a good time. Then, it happened....nothing.....

It's the same story. Start talking to someone interesting, and let them know you are Poz.....silence. Hey, I get it, you don't want to get infected, I don't blame anyone for that. But, for Jeebus' sake, be human. Reply and say "no thanks." I always get a chuckle out of the people who go on and on about how HIV is no longer a death sentence, blah blah blah. Yeah, from a physical perspective, it's not, but from a social perspective it still carries a HUGE load of baggage. I suppose it is also different based on geography. Here in sunny FL, we still live in the dark ages in a lot of ways, and so does a lot of the gay community. Having lost a partner, and a multitude of friends to AIDS, I am often amazed when someone tells me that they have never known anyone with HIV/AIDS. Really?? Having lived in Boston and NYC and San Francisco, I guess my exposure was so much different. But really, in this day and age the fact that there are people in the community who don't know anyone infected is really amazing. Head in the sand much?

For the most part, I play with Poz guys. It's easier to deal with, when can play raw, and we share a common experience. (although every one of us is still unique; HIV impacts each of us differently) There are just times when you can't help but feeling like an outcast. I personally don't mind living on the edge. To be fair, many of my sexual pursuits are on the edge. Because of that, I'm keenly aware of the need to stay connected. I don't necessarily care that people don't want to play because of my infection. What I care about is that they somehow feel that the infection means that I'm no longer human, that I don't deserve at least the basic common courtesies.

Trust me, I've seen more humanity connected to this disease than most people would ever want to see. When people are stripped down to their last 80 pounds of skin and bones, humanity is often all that is left. I've watched in utter amazement as people on the edge of death comforted friends and family, as they themselves were dying. I remember one friend whose younger brother was just devastated at the pending loss of his older brother. My friend would always get his little brother to crawl up into bed with him and then he would hold his little brother and comfort him. The day he died, his little brother was there and was just a mess. My friend patted the bed and his brother climbed in next to him. My friend then wrapped his arms around his very healthy, athletic, college football player brother. As the brother cried, my friend remembered stories of when they were kids, and all the crazy things he did. Somewhere along the way, in one of those memories, my dear friend jumped into eternity. His brother was not aware he was gone, apparently wrapped warmly in those same memories. We waited a while before we brought him back to the reality of the situation. THAT is humanity. THAT is REAL. It's not that I care that some young guy blows me off because I'm positive, it's that they somehow think that I am the disease, that even talking to me is a risk.

Most of us who have been around this virus for any length of time can share stories of the amazing, mind blowing people who we've encountered. I'll take that any day over some superficial bullshit. I would not give up one moment of the journey, I would not give back one ounce of pain, I would not change one decision. It has ALL made me a stronger person. It's probably why I'm still alive. So many amazing people have paid such a high price for me to be a stronger person. None of them knowing at the time that their loss would be to my benefit. I don't take that lightly, and I won't step into the shadows or be tossed aside. I've got something to share and it's not a virus. In the end, we just want to be human...

Epilogue: After 4 days, I received a reply. "Truth be told I am a bit of a hypochondriac and that would get in the way of enjoying myself with you... I'm not completely unscathed myself, last year I found out that I have herpes 1 and I've also had a few situations go sour because of it... I, of course, would have told you about it, but you just beat me to the punch... I would love to hook up with you, your pic is hot and I love the tatts, but I can't... sorry..."

I found the reply to be ironic. He's got Herpes, and "would have told me" and apparently assumed that I would be cool with it. So I guess herpes, no biggie, HIV, no way......